who is ME and why do I hide him from YOU

Here I am again my dear blog. you have been so good to me in this last week, venting to you and just writing the most random of post has helped me exceedingly in life. So the time has come fo rme to ask you to lend me your ear for yet another babble, one that makes me emotional in every way possible.

for the past year now I have wanted a relationship so badly, yet i realized that I have yet to ask of it from the universe and from myself. As I had a conversation with my friend Stephen Monday night in the dressing room at the theatre we both actually agreed on something for once: our relationships end either amazingly or in heartbreak and sadly the amazing part hasn't happened yet. When he made this comment to me and I agreed with it, I pondered well into the night and even into Tuesday morning (now obviously). Truth be told, we may be a little nerdy but we are not undatable. We are both cute, young men who have great ambitions and plans in life. When it comes to my talents and abilities I excell further than what even I would (let alone others) would expect. I have given up so much in the pursuit of happiness though. I have dated girls who would use me for all i had and then say "I never felt it with you" or I'm hidden from the world for some little reason that would "hurt their reputation." Am I not desirable to a point that I have to be hidden or have to change who I am or my passions in life. To be honest my friends, I was a major in dance and vocal performance at one time, being engaged changed my major and I have not looked back. Why did i do it!? Why do I honestly believe that I am so worthless that I have to change just to recieve small happiness?

Sadly this cycle has continued for a long period of time with me and I finally gave up all hope of ever finding that happiness and became closed within my heart when it came to love and relationships; making excuses all along the way. Until recently that is. I have a friend who is simply amazing in every way, and to even write every comlpiment in the world would do an injustice to this person because of their pure love and all round personality. Babbling aside this person looked me in the eyes and all I saw was me...I could see me in a loving nature, not of what I could do for this person but what this person saw in me and the accomplished human being they saw in me. When with this person I feel absolutly refreshed and loved. and thats how it should be with a female companion! I have NEVER looked at the person I have dated and said "well you have flaws but I can fix them later." no i have always said "I don't look at that as a flaw and can name three good things about you that i LOVE"

So universe here it is: I want a soulmate and lover. and I am willing to be me and show it so please give me someone who can accept these.: I am a very emotional person, I cry at music, movies, and watchign others do certain things. I am passionate and always give 110% in anything that I'm doing whether it be improving my singing or giving physical touch to someone such as a massage or hug. I am a dork! I love artistic value and music that is classical or lyrical. I value my talents, I can sing, act, dance, and direct, I am in no way the best in any of these nor am i considered even good to some but I can still value what I have. I am very busy but NEVER too busy for those I love. I am empathic and try to help those who are emotionally in pain, this may not be healthy for me but I prefer to help others first. I hate watching the "I don't care" attitude even if its an "I don't care what you think of me" its honored as it isn't my choice to make but I do not like it. I want to be a father and husband to a mother and a woman who I would consider myself lucky to just wake up to in the morning and look at her beautiful face knowing that she loves me. I wish to learn, religion, and energy facinate me most please always share. this is who i am and i hope to find the girl who I can love as much as she loves me.

Ok...*deep breath* thank you so much blog for your support and love. and thank you all my supports who have loved me and been there for me, you are honored very much and here it is people...im done hiding...im done being in the dark with the world....I AM THAT I AM :)

Music and the Soul

I have been thinking alot lately about the music we listen to in our lives. As I hear the symphonic strings vibrating and the pure note coming out of a piano once its keys are struck, I cant help but melt within myself and almost weep every time. It is truely amazing the minds and workings of some of the people in our world, to say lyrics and rhym is one thing, but to create music that makes others feel is another. it is quite amazing how we have this pure universal language in our lives yet so many take it for granted. I love to sing with a passion, I know others who love to sing as well and they should, their voices are beautiful. So why do we "express" our hate and vulgarity through it? music is the one thing i know of that touches a soul and leaves marks on our hearts, I just would like to hear more loving music, is that too much to ask for? lol ok short babble over.

Life: overated or underdemeciated?

   Hello friends, yet anothr babble from me :). Ok, so the past couple days have had me thinking A LOT. Keep in mind my friends that this is in no way a cry for help, an I hate the world blog or some Emo transition made in life lol. My realization is that I have taken my short lived life for granted thus far. For the past couple of days I have had angels in my life just reaching out and trying to touch my heart and be my friend. Me, the inconsiderate piece of god that I am, act like a bully would to a child and hold their head making it so they cant touch me no matter how hard or fast they swing. So why do I do that? These people aren't out to hurt me, only love me unconditionally with the intention of friendship and getting to know me better and love me for who I am and not what I can give them.
   Quite honestly my actions offended even me. I realized that by since the age of six, I have done nothing but: work, work, work. I have become so obsesed with the perfection of what I do: Dance, Singing, Acting, Martial arts, and even learning medical terms and facts. Looking back i realized I didn't have a childhood. I didn't go to friends houses (I didn't have friends) I didn't have sleepovers with friends, I didn't have birthday parties with friends and I didn't go to malls or dance clubs to hang out. My day for the past 10-15 years has been: wake up, learn and work, go to bed. Now dont get me wrong I have a good life: I get to be in shows and perform I have traveled, I am going to college ect. But I also realized that I had only two friends growing up and didn't even have them til my freshman year of highschool.
   This bothered me because I started thinking: what would my life have been like if my mother didn't push learning so much. What if I had a lot of friends growing up? But what scares me is what would I have been like if I didn't do as I did. But I digress....back on subject, I started feeling wierd emotions as i do things. I was invited to have dinner with a group of friends and when i went I was quieter than usal, I didn't know how to act. Then I went to a Haunted house and agian, quiet and timid. The thought entered my mind: Is this why Im also still single. I listened to fellow cast mates in Damn Yankees talk about how they treated ex gfs or bfs or what went down, how they would spend time together and how they made eachother feel. I realized that I didn't know any of the info they were saying (sad i know lol). It made me realize I was a bad bf because I don't know how to act like one. Just wondering if TWHSS is this exact reason. again I am just throwing out my thoughts lol
   I think I want change, just scared to. I need to put down this hand holding persons at bay, if Im not showing them who I am and not being true to the fact that I don't know how to be with these people then I'm lying to those who want to be my friends. I just need to look at ME and make changes, cuz if I don't then I'm just going to end up all alone in the end and I don't want that :).

THANKS FOR LISTENING BLOG, YOUR A GOOD INTERNET DEVICE

  

My first blog ever

Um, hello? my name is Jeremy "Tico" Heaps. I am new to this whole thing. but i have some interesting thoughts i guess lol i believe sixteen is a lucky number because 16=7 (ill explain that later). a few of my friends blog all the time and some suggested I try it. I figure I'm pretty good at babbling and thats all blogs are right? or rather its a rant for us all to get to know who you are exactly but now that we are at that point in the blog I ask, who are you? have you ever took the time to look in the mirror an ask yourself that? or do you do like most human beings do in the world and see only an aging human being? Why is it we all believe that our higher being is in the clouds when we should see it in our own eyes? Why can't we as human beings see who WE ARE, are we so singular within our  beliefs, within our minds, within our own souls that we can't see that little drop of gold in us that makes us human, that makes our souls special that makes our feelings, thoughts and emotions our own!?

Ladies and gentlemen we are not singular beings! nothing in this world is singular yet we always ask "what does it do" and "who are you" expecting an instant answer, labeling others as we go along in this lifetime thinking we know someone upon meeting them. do you believe that humanity discovered the number one and then ten years later discovered the two? no these numbers have never stood alone and neither have we as human beings, we are all created at different times, different souls, different energies and different thoughts. So how does a "type" or a labeled person exhist? The human mind wants to take the singularity of whats going on in the world and project it upon others, never understanding that each person is different and can change, at any moment a person can have a life changing event take place and then they are no longer the same human being they were when they met you. Some people will take this path all their life, take their last breath and live an entire life in a straight line, why can't we take a step out of the "box" and see things differently? 16=7 and why? because 1(+)6=7...you see what I mean, looking at it in whole the person doesn't understand but when something is inserted (quantum thinking) then suddenly it makes perfect sense. perhaps those we look at that are strange are just misunderstood (a judgement i'm horrible at). why do we as humans give up on ourselves at times? if we don't go on dates for a certain amount of time we suddenly think we are undatable or "desperate." this is not so, how dare we feel the need to judge so harshly that we even pick on ourselves?

If you were an alien and had come to earth for the first time and hear music for the first time in your life and yell "what is that?!" and someone tells you "thats music silly" the words then come out of your mouth "what does it do?" how do you answer that?...music is quantum you see so there is no lable to "what it does" and that is how we should look at humans. (trying not to get too preachy) why cant we look eachother in the eyes and love eachother for the first time? why can't we look at ourselves in the mirror and just smile? congradulating ourselves for being here in this time and space and on this glorious world.  the next time your to ask "what does it do" to a human being just remember to think quantum and perhaps your answer will be "to wake you up to the potential you have within yourself to lead by example." =)

-Jeremy