Sunday, April 17, 2011

what I thought when I saw spring awakening

My Awakening with Spring Awakening
Is it a crime to feel love? This question was asked on January 15, 2011 to over 1000 people in the audience during a performance of Spring Awakening. Directed by Michael Mayer, Spring Awakening is the story of six (6) young boys and five (5) little women who are all experiencing their own sexual and moral growth in a town that is suppressed and believe all exploration is not only ill advised but an affront against god. Kingsbury Hall and the Broadway Across America Touring Company allowed me the privilege of watching these teenagers express their inner most feeling and thought through movement and song because they couldn’t openly speak. Original Choreography by Bill T. Jones was adapted to the Utah stage by Joann M. Hunter and captivated the minds of all in the audience on a completely empty stage, where the imagination of the viewers was put to the test. 
            Do you feel your life is a bitch? In act 1 the number Bitch of the Living (Joann M. Hunter) was performed. Moritz Schtiffle (played by Coby Getzug) leads the boys in a song about their first experiences with a wet dream. As this time period is late 1800 Germany, the boys were all in their private school attire and very stiff, that is until the music started. A school teacher yells at the boys and right as his line ends, three notes are played very hard on an electric guitar, young Moritz looses his posture and proper speech and begins growling into a microphone pulled out of his jacket pocket “God! I dreamed there was an angel…”. The song continued on with only him singing for about two lines when suddenly all the boys begin moving their right shoulder to the beat of the song until the line “It’s the BITCH of the living!!!” is yelled by all the boys who now have lost their posture and all have microphones in their hands. After those words are yelled the lights turn a dark red and the boys are now turned in all directions slamming their feet as hard as they can chanting “Bitch, Just the Bitch!” as young Moritz sings of their experiences. This stomping and anger showed their frustration perfectly, and really made the audience feel as if they were about to be hit from the anger in the room. As the song began to rise with its energy the kids got out of their chairs and began to wander the room kicking chairs and the air as they traveled, never once looking at each other to keep that “inner thought” aspect alive in the dance. The song continues until they hit the line “Do they think we want this?!” when they all stop and at the same time point directly at the teacher in the classroom and just stare him down. The song changes tempo after this moment and the lights fade to blue for a more touching feel as the boys describe their feelings for the girls and even some of the men in the town, because this is slow the dancers took on a slow motion beat, still stomping their feet but now without sound and only about ¼ the speed they were just going. The song suddenly picks up to full speed again, red lights blaring twice as bring, stomps twice as loud and chaos on the stage, the teenagers were rolling on the ground, jumping over chairs, kicking the air, nearly running into each other even. The line “God! Is this it!?” suddenly was sung by all the boys and they all hit a synchronization of stomps until traveled into a circle, after breaking this circle they went to their chairs, climbed up on them and with the line “Oh god! What a bitch!” they jump off the front of their chairs, sit sharply at the same time and are instantly back into their original postures, returning us to the “real world, classroom.”
            Bitch of the Living was a very moving piece that made the audience cheer, but not as much as the number in act 2 entitled Totally Fucked (Joann M. Hunter) sung and performed by the entire cast. At this point in the show, leading man Melchior Gabor (played by Christopher Wood) has been accused at aiding with the suicide of this friend Moritz and, on top of that, others are discovering that he impregnated his lover Wendla (played by Elizabeth Judd). The entire cast is sitting on stage moving their heads from looking at him and looking back out into the audience as the first riffs of the song hit and the lights slowly change from a whit to a purple and red color. “There’s a moment you know…your fucked!” is sung by the lead boy as his posture, yet again, changes and he pulls the microphone from his jacket; taking us back to the “internal world.” Three boys stand up and sing along with Melchior, making very nice levels of one boy standing 3 girls sitting until the next boy standing. They were also very stiff and still had their posture and even straight arm movement even though Melchior was loose and very modern. I felt, personally, that this showed the conflict of doing what those around you say and believing what you believe. The kids all move upstage, passing the adults as the words “blah blah blah blah” are chanted, the lights switch very sparsely and in nearly half a second, as they go back into the “real world” for a quick line and as soon as they changed they change right back for verse 2 of the song. The kids moved back downstage as Melchior began singing again, now all with loose and modern movements even moving their feet or moving their heads to the beat of the song, and for the first time in the show all looking at one another and interacting. I loved this because it gave the number a more universal feel. The chorus stands and sings the song as Melchior suddenly goes back to a stiff posture but with sharp, and big yet fluent movement makes hand transitions. The first is to his face, burying it, then moving over his chest, abdomen, back to the chest, crossing his arms and resting his hands on his hips, putting his hands behind his back and moves his head in one big circle, crossing his arms in a huge motion across his face, hands moving across his shoulders until both fully extended at the sides and then moving his left hand to meet his right and following it up the arm and to his shoulder, hands together now he moves them down the front of his legs and up the back. He then repeats the entire movement twice while standing between two parents who are frozen. This added so much to the conflict theory I had earlier. The lights switch and the music stops as Melchior admits to the deeds and the music comes back up in full blast, drums slamming and guitars shredding. The cast stands up and in that same posture do their own their own individual hand movements like Melchior just did. Some were moving from ground to head as others were just in the chest region of their body, it was all happening so fast it was hard to see what was fully going on with each individual amongst the chaos. I loved every second of it. It all comes to a halt as they face forward and with hands in fist begin yelling at the audience “BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!” After their yelling they all begin to move in the more modern posture and everyone is dancing again in chaos as the lights begin to turn psychedelic and strobe lights are even slightly incorporated. Everything from random bouncing to pirouettes and grande jettes were being performed on stage for about thirty seconds until they all hit their individual poses with the final yell of “TOTALLY FUCKED!!!”
            These numbers stood out to me because of the choreographed chaos and each number was praised with applause that felt like they lasted forever. The best part of this performance was that every number was like these, their every movement expressed the feelings of the characters in the show and only the characters in the show, and if any feeling such as love or hate was on a universal scale the entire cast was involved with it. Transitions were my most favorite part. The show never stopped and the bare empty stage made bringing on and off scenery fluent and simple. The performers did amazing at the transitions as well. For example, in the number entitled My Junk (Joann M. Hunter) the girls went from being silly little girls jumping around and daydreaming to having a boy bring in a chair right in the middle of them and began a rhythmic masturbation movement, these silly girls suddenly became this boys fantasy and all it took was a shift of the light and proper positioning of the performers. The simulation of sex was also incorporated into the story through the song I Believe (Lucy Skilbeck). Though many may just believe the actors were doing the scene, the entire scene was choreographed. The music would speed up as their passions rose, slow when she was unsure and became lyrical as she finally gave herself to him. Any thrusting or movement was done on a beat of the drum and in synch to make the scene and story told in full. My favorite though was a movement the girls did to represent their “blooming” it was a movement over their chest and their hips with a bent wrist shaping their figures. In the number Touch Me (Joann M. Hunter/Lucy Skilbeck) the boys ask each other “how do you think the woman feels?” and in their thoughts as the song climaxes they follow a “blooming” girl doing the exact same choreography and creating their own “figures.”
            This show Captivated me and made me cry several times through their movement and song. I really felt like I was feeling their feelings and in many ways as a young man it related to me. I would suggest this show to anyone on any level amateur or professional, the story itself and the movement within the story is brilliant and will not soon be forgotten. Perhaps life is a bitch, and in the end your totally fucked, but our experiences are our own as we awaken into life.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

IN ALL THINGS....

I AM THAT I AM!!!

greetings my blog and hello to all of those who read....surely you have little life if your following me lol i'm kidding. but this blog is an update more for me than it is for readers so for all of you who would like to stay for the ride, by all means keep reading. though I'm not going to explain all that I say, ok here we go! yipee!


Me as I see Me

In this point in my life I'm no longer unhappy as I have posted a few months ago. A little while back I "opened the door" as it were, to where I was explained the unexplainable by ME things I couldn't see about life and things that I wasn't really willing to let in were introduced to me and it gave me new eyes as it were. yesterday I celebrated my 21st birthday. twenty-one years in my physical form and I couldn't help but pat myself on the back. I always complain on the training I need and all the things that I need in my life when it comes and how much I have to learn. Yet I hardly ever take the step back to not look ahead but look back. I have opened myself to the ME that be ME (yes i stole this lol) I DO have alot to learn but look how much I HAVE learned. I have realized the me that has alway been dormant and always been afraid to show simply because it wasn't part of the "status quo" that is human conciousness. I look now at where I was performance wise and skill wise yet a year ago and how much I have grown! The people in my life that I have kept dear and close, those who I have kept distant, and those who I have had to ask to leave my life. All there for a purpose and for lessons, ones in which I will be forever grateful. I now wonder and yearn with intense anticipation on what life holds for me. I will never be not ready for something in my life, the universe jsut doesn't throw me things I can't handle, I can make ANY choice I want and be sucessful at it with the proper work, WE ALL CAN, so why don't we do it? I realized I have had little trust in myself and my abilities both physical and not. I have been very lazy when it comes to my ME time and I keep trying to fix alot of things, when I should just let the univers be. at the age of twenty one I don't feel any different than when I was twenty, yet this shut down has happened in my life and I feel that it is only leading to a more INTENSE me, and this does scare me just slightly. I woke one day to my awareness and this intense growth has been an experience I will NEVER forget in this lifetime. To shut down and know its purpose is to become more aware of self, and not know what it holds when adjusting into it makes me scared yet excited at the same time because I know without a doubt it is only to make a more loving, attractive (not physically speaking), understanding,trusting ME.


My being ME has scared many people without them even realizing it. This "vibe" that I give off is complete honesty and even though I can be the worlds biggest bitch at times I really am an increadably loving being. Though, the only person I have showed little love to is myself. I do not fully trust myself and am constantly picking flaws in all aspects of life. If I had trust in but ten percent of myself I would be an entirely different person. I need to trust ME and all there is to me. My physical form of course is aprehensive because it has been put into "the box" and was born inside "the box" so this type of thinking is "wrong." But for a moment I "sat on my own lap" so to speak and asked myself...."WHY?" Why is it that if we are told something is good or bad it is automatically that way? many people will say they have an opinion and tell everyone that what they are doing is right or wrong but my question is who's opinion was given to them to make them suddenly "know" it is that it is? My answer was that there is NO "right" or "wrong" but LIFE. I dont wish to waist my time in this body wondering what to do with my life but how much i'm going to do in this life. and even further than that i don't wish to know how much i'm going to do either lol. I have taken words of a dear freind and thought long and hard about them. I don't wish to tap off my life and settle. I wish to experience all I can before I die, I'm so so young and have so much more to live for in this life, I want to have more thought than how many babies i'll have or whehter or not i'll flip burgers for the rest of my life. I guess thats why I'm freaky, maybe to the human eye I don't have my head screwed on straight or something, I'll probly never know fully to be honest lol                     
                                                                 

I see with new eyes every day when it comes to myself and I'm loving who I am becoming in my life. I have my flaws, and god knows that I'm far from a perfect being. But I LOVE where my life is now...I wake up ready to learn, I wake every day knowing I have people in my life that I love so very much and I live my days learning something new every day....twenty one years in my body may not feel different but looking back I see that It's experience like no other. And as for this shut down....Can't wait to power back up because I can feel into the potential its bringing and it feels pretty damn good! I LOVE ALL THINGS IN MY LIFE (even though sometimes i say i hate them hehe) And so it is..

I AM THAT I AM




Sunday, November 21, 2010

Time to Let it all Out!!!!

Hello my blog, you have been so so so good to me in the past and now i think its about time that I vent to you yet again.

so first off I would like to tell you that I have made some major strides in life and I can not believe how much of an impact these strides have made. first and biggest stride is of course my I AM or my energy, I have cleared out so much shit from my life that it isn't even funny. I'm finding myself in situations that could have dramatic results and I'm able to look at the situation as a whole instead of so close. this in no way is me saying that I'm perfect or better than anyone else, but this newer and newly growing ME is a much more likable ME to myself.

My second and most loved of this new energy is my talents, I have been working very hard with my abilities as a singer and actor and because of my dear friend and a few others who donated their time into helping me I have become more comfortable with my abilities, and therefor allowed myself to grow in certain areas and trust myself on and off stage. Little Women was such an increadable process for me. I made a very very close and dear friend within my character, Laurie for me is an experience that I don't want to end and to have created him and worked with him was truely amazing.

I also dropped school my dear blog. nursing was something that I was pushing myself through for the fact that it makes money. I am tearing up and getting goosebumps just thinking about this shift i've made in this area of my life. I AM NOT HAPPY. It's time I took life into my own hands.

I am so tired of being what I'm not. Told how to live my life, who I should love, how things are supposed to be. I have been a walking chamelion to many of those around me for many years. I'm tired of wearing a different shirt for every single person I encounter in my life. I'm done making people happy with MY choices in life. I want to just be happy. this is in no way an "ohhh sweeettttiiieee" claim, just a fact of my life. the universe spins about me and instead of catching my own stars I take the ones others hand me.

I thank you blog. that is all for tonight.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

I ask: How dare YOU....

  DO WE HAVE A RIGHT?






For the past week I have heard nothing, NOTHING, but this Bull that has gone on with the gay community and a talk given by a representator of the LDS religion (I refuse to use names in this blog). Before I begin this blog let me say that this is a blog meant to remain completely neutral and as I write I will be attempting to keep my own personal beliefes out of it and translating this message accoring to what it was sent to be by my support group and myself....and now I will begin the translating of my brain into a form that can be viewed by all *focused breath*....

Hello to you all, first off let me begin by saying that this message is given out of love and not the intent to hurt feelings or make anyone uncomfortable and should you at any time feel either of those, or emote anything other than my truth and love I STRONGLY encourage you to stop reading the blog and move on to stalking someone else...that was a joke...sorry lol. back to the subject though, today I had a door open to me, where for a brief moment in time I felt as if i could explain the unexplainable and this was difficult believe you me. but because of this door and the awareness I recieved in both self and the world around me I was surprised to see my anger show within this subject. As a being of love and compassion I rarely feel anger. I lash due to annoyance or hurt but it is rare that I find myself truely angry. In this lifetime, I have chosen to learn a great many things, one of these things I chose was a new level of acceptance and a new level of love for all those around me. Humans are Humans! we are NOT perfect in any way shape or form, yet somehow we let our egos get in the way and we let ourselves beleive that we are right and therefore everyone else should be right. now stop right there those of you reading and beleive I'm siding against the church; because if you believe I'm siding with either of you at the moment then you deserve a slap in your ego based forehead. by saying they have no right to put religion on you and that they MUST accept you for being gay or the must accept your friends, family ect for being gay then you just pushed on to their beleifs to not support you...please understand I am still speaking from love and not scolding either persons. Understand that I am a former member of the LDS religion and was very strong when I was a member. Also understand that I have many family members and friends who are gay. I am speaking at an equal level of love. please do not take it any other way, I can not stress that enough.


If you are the religious sort you beleive we were once one. Whether you beleive in christianity, buhdism, wickan, metaphysics, or in some god history has forgotten; you believe that our souls once knew and loved eachother. Should you not believe in a god, you do believe that we are all equal beings created by some evolutionary phenomona or some other method. the point I'm trying to make loved ones, is that WE believe there was a point in time where we were all equal in the sight of god and eachother...why does a physical body, something EVERYONE believes we will not take with us after death change the color of our souls? "All Mormons are wrong and judgemental, they can go to hell!" "All gay people are sinners in the eyes of god and are an abomination to the human race!" These quotes, heard all over the world, are hurtful to me both heart and soul. Even now as I attempt to feel into this situation, tears are streaming and I can not express how much I dislike forms of hatred towards others.

The symbol of the LDS church (posted above) reminds me of choice. The meaning of CTR is Choose The Right. (or current temple reccomend...sorry just trying to lighten the mood). but I began asking myself what does this symbol represent? Is it a remider to the youth to make good choices? Does the shield and maze in the picture represent keeping up your guard at all times? My personal belief is that it makes us CHOOSE. ahh yes the greatest gift given to us by god...agency. Members of the LDS religion, you believe that you were making choices even before you came to this planet. It is believed that 1/3 of gods children CHOSE to turn away from him, thus becoming satans followers and the other 2/3 were the ones who accepted the lord and recieved their physical bodies. this means EVERYONE made the choice to accept god, yet we foolishly turn those who dont agree with us away. gays, catholics, those who drink coffee even. We turn them away, and I am not judging by any means, in fact there was once in my life were I was the one who turned the soda drinkers away. due to my experiences of dabblng in the LDS pool of life I remember one scripture. Matthew 5: 14-16. I will not quote it but it mentions letting our "light shine." my personal belief of letting light shine is being in our truth and doing what the creator wanted...LOVE....I will now turn my attention to the gay community for a moment.

As I so did with the christians I shall do with the gay community, and give a symbol. This, for those of you who don't know, is a symbol you will find usually on the back of a gay or lesbian's car. This is a symbol, like the CTR ring, very well known and brings up many feelings when seen. For those of you who do not know what an equal sign means, the meaning of this sticker is simply equality. I ask those who believe in homosexuality and supporters of homosexuality the same question as I did the church followers. as their symbol represented choice and you feel they won't let you choose, are you willing to take one the responsibility that you may be just as wrong as them with your symbol? The symbol represents equality, but how can you point the wrong-doing finger at someone and still be equal? just as they should treat you with love you should treat them with love. This is in no way saying you need to accept their beliefs or you have to stop standing up for yourselves. YOU have the right to live as YOU choose, I believe no one can tell me who I will love and I am one of the first to say I AM when it comes to self. but if you believe all persons are equal then we should act as such yes?

Everyone...there is a difference between standing in your own truth and supporting your belifs and pressing it on others. This representator had no right to say what he did in such an open setting, just as the homosexuals had no right to protest outside the temple. your all hurting eachother just take a step back with me please....open your minds please...you are ALL in this world, in a society created by us. WE created the world we live in now, WE created the problems, AND WE can create the solutions together. Christians, CHOOSE to love one another, even if you don't believe in the others beleifs. remember that you were once persecuted as well. homosexuals treat everyone with EQUALITY and love. together, taking our beliefs out of eachother and looking into eachothers eyes simply saying "hello" for the first time and loving eachother not for our beliefs but for our souls, will we create a bright future.

thank you for your time.

                                                             I AM THAT I AM.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Little Women


Can I just say how excited I am for my next show! Little Women has been one of THE musicals I've wanted to be a part of since I saw it performed at the Hale Centre Theatre a couple years ago. I have gotten my dream role as Laurie in the show and last night Joe and I did our proposal scene. After that scene I was all giddy and excited because even though my character gets shot down and their relationship is destroyed because of his feelings towards her I was so excited that we had a strong scene like that and have already created a strong base from which it can be built.
Another reason I am so excited for this show is because of the stretching I'm doing. I have never played a character that is polite and meek. Though Laurie may be goofy and awkward (something I excell at lol) he is a very playful yet quiet boy and I love that I get to play something with that type of balance. The girls in the show are simply fantastic, and all the men have great voices, yet another reason I'm so excited for this show and complimented to be part of it. As I gush about how excited I am I forget how much work I need to do, so I'll let you go. Thank you Blog!

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

who is ME and why do I hide him from YOU



Here I am again my dear blog. you have been so good to me in this last week, venting to you and just writing the most random of post has helped me exceedingly in life. So the time has come fo rme to ask you to lend me your ear for yet another babble, one that makes me emotional in every way possible.

for the past year now I have wanted a relationship so badly, yet i realized that I have yet to ask of it from the universe and from myself. As I had a conversation with my friend Stephen Monday night in the dressing room at the theatre we both actually agreed on something for once: our relationships end either amazingly or in heartbreak and sadly the amazing part hasn't happened yet. When he made this comment to me and I agreed with it, I pondered well into the night and even into Tuesday morning (now obviously). Truth be told, we may be a little nerdy but we are not undatable. We are both cute, young men who have great ambitions and plans in life. When it comes to my talents and abilities I excell further than what even I would (let alone others) would expect. I have given up so much in the pursuit of happiness though. I have dated girls who would use me for all i had and then say "I never felt it with you" or I'm hidden from the world for some little reason that would "hurt their reputation." Am I not desirable to a point that I have to be hidden or have to change who I am or my passions in life. To be honest my friends, I was a major in dance and vocal performance at one time, being engaged changed my major and I have not looked back. Why did i do it!? Why do I honestly believe that I am so worthless that I have to change just to recieve small happiness?

Sadly this cycle has continued for a long period of time with me and I finally gave up all hope of ever finding that happiness and became closed within my heart when it came to love and relationships; making excuses all along the way. Until recently that is. I have a friend who is simply amazing in every way, and to even write every comlpiment in the world would do an injustice to this person because of their pure love and all round personality. Babbling aside this person looked me in the eyes and all I saw was me...I could see me in a loving nature, not of what I could do for this person but what this person saw in me and the accomplished human being they saw in me. When with this person I feel absolutly refreshed and loved. and thats how it should be with a female companion! I have NEVER looked at the person I have dated and said "well you have flaws but I can fix them later." no i have always said "I don't look at that as a flaw and can name three good things about you that i LOVE"

So universe here it is: I want a soulmate and lover. and I am willing to be me and show it so please give me someone who can accept these.: I am a very emotional person, I cry at music, movies, and watchign others do certain things. I am passionate and always give 110% in anything that I'm doing whether it be improving my singing or giving physical touch to someone such as a massage or hug. I am a dork! I love artistic value and music that is classical or lyrical. I value my talents, I can sing, act, dance, and direct, I am in no way the best in any of these nor am i considered even good to some but I can still value what I have. I am very busy but NEVER too busy for those I love. I am empathic and try to help those who are emotionally in pain, this may not be healthy for me but I prefer to help others first. I hate watching the "I don't care" attitude even if its an "I don't care what you think of me" its honored as it isn't my choice to make but I do not like it. I want to be a father and husband to a mother and a woman who I would consider myself lucky to just wake up to in the morning and look at her beautiful face knowing that she loves me. I wish to learn, religion, and energy facinate me most please always share. this is who i am and i hope to find the girl who I can love as much as she loves me.

Ok...*deep breath* thank you so much blog for your support and love. and thank you all my supports who have loved me and been there for me, you are honored very much and here it is people...im done hiding...im done being in the dark with the world....I AM THAT I AM :)

Monday, September 27, 2010

Music and the Soul

I have been thinking alot lately about the music we listen to in our lives. As I hear the symphonic strings vibrating and the pure note coming out of a piano once its keys are struck, I cant help but melt within myself and almost weep every time. It is truely amazing the minds and workings of some of the people in our world, to say lyrics and rhym is one thing, but to create music that makes others feel is another. it is quite amazing how we have this pure universal language in our lives yet so many take it for granted. I love to sing with a passion, I know others who love to sing as well and they should, their voices are beautiful. So why do we "express" our hate and vulgarity through it? music is the one thing i know of that touches a soul and leaves marks on our hearts, I just would like to hear more loving music, is that too much to ask for? lol ok short babble over.